el_M: In the moonlight...

Friday, September 07, 2007

My mum reminded me last night tt today's de 21st day since Zicong left...

I dunno myself already... Is it that I am keeping myself away from all these, spending so much time with work, band and my friends? If not how can people grieve about this for so long while i have "recovered" from it so soon?

I guess the I haven't completely recovered... The mere mention of Zicong, the reminder of the times I bunked in his room, the times we played pool, they all still manage to put me into a stupor, letting all the feelings of sadness affect me, though I have been able to manage not having them engulf me...

I feel guilty... It blardy feels sucky when you know everyone else is grieving, even including someone whu has never met him but chatting with him online for a few months, while I am not! Her message to me today has somehow awakened these thoughts inside me... I guess the fact I had been avoiding her questions did show that I wasn't ready to really face it, all along thinking that his passing was actually for him to ascend the heavens, so it's not neceaasrily a bad thing... Yah that was what I said to her... Now thinking back, I guess I had been cruel and mean... Zicong would never have said that, he may have cried with her... I feel guilty...

Xinyi said before that I am brave... I guess so, but is it that I had been so brave that I have become somewhat... unfeeling? What kind of a person had I turned into? I do hope I could be more sensitive, but would that mean much more grief for me? I seriously do not wish that upon myself...

Another thing I saw today has shown me what kind of person I had become... I walked into CSC clubroom... yah just dis once in such a long time... I have not been there as often as I had, like, 2 years ago... And somehow it felt different already... But the thing I noticed is that life still goes on in there and it still looks like how it did years ago... So if CSC didn't change, did I??? Well maybe I did, to which some people say "matured"...

Yea... matured is the word... I dun seem to know as much as last time how to have fun... But I have grown more appreciative of things around me... In so many decisions I make, I have to look at long-term implications, or rather, how long I can see... And now it kinda became a habit for me...

Guess I have to take myself less seriously already... I thought I always had taken things easy, but guess I hadn't really been tested by a serious event... at least not till 3 weeks back... Maybe one does not really understand something till it is lost and gone forever, ya?

Dennis ~ 5:13 pm