el_M: In the moonlight...

Sunday, September 09, 2007

I have decided to move on, and put all these unhappy feelings behind... Have even advised my mum to move on and not get too affected by it already... And this time, I hope that since I have decided, it is to SERIOUSLY move on and not run away from it all...

I have decided to face it in a matter-of-fact way...

I have come to accept that we have no control over life and death, and when it happens, it happens, and we can only do so much as to cope with it...

I have decided not to be emotionally stirred when mentioning about Zicong to anyone, but will only do so when I want, or when anyone asks...

I have decided to do whatever I can to mend this hole left by Zicong, especially on myself and my family...

Yes, it's time to move on already... SERIOUSLY!!!

Come to think of myself, I havent been able to accomplish much in any aspects these weeks... Possibly cos I had been so affected by Zicong's passing... Wat de hell???

I guess I need to re-evaluate myself...

Why? You may ask...

When I sat down to think hard, I have thought about the things I have to / want to accomplish in these coming few months...

1. To practise hard for my 2 upcoming concerts...

2. To handle all my work and assignments efficiently...

3. To finally be able to reach my 2nd Class Upper and grad with it...

4. To know wat I want exactly in my job nxt time, frm the recruitment talks I have been / will be attending...

5. ... (an unspoken agenda I guess many do know... Best of luck to me...) ...

And I think that was all I could come up with!! Goodness... so many of them so work-oriented... It does seem that I have become yet another no-lifer in NUS... Where has that fun-loving, happy-go-lucky Dennis gone to???

Well, it all comes here for myself to wish for something good soon, cos if you'd ask me, I dun think I'm really that happy now, thou it seems otherwise to so many of my frens...

Here's to a happier Dennis... I have to be cos I have promised that to a few of my close frens already...

I wish to be happy... Please grant...

Dennis ~ 6:06 pm

Friday, September 07, 2007

My mum reminded me last night tt today's de 21st day since Zicong left...

I dunno myself already... Is it that I am keeping myself away from all these, spending so much time with work, band and my friends? If not how can people grieve about this for so long while i have "recovered" from it so soon?

I guess the I haven't completely recovered... The mere mention of Zicong, the reminder of the times I bunked in his room, the times we played pool, they all still manage to put me into a stupor, letting all the feelings of sadness affect me, though I have been able to manage not having them engulf me...

I feel guilty... It blardy feels sucky when you know everyone else is grieving, even including someone whu has never met him but chatting with him online for a few months, while I am not! Her message to me today has somehow awakened these thoughts inside me... I guess the fact I had been avoiding her questions did show that I wasn't ready to really face it, all along thinking that his passing was actually for him to ascend the heavens, so it's not neceaasrily a bad thing... Yah that was what I said to her... Now thinking back, I guess I had been cruel and mean... Zicong would never have said that, he may have cried with her... I feel guilty...

Xinyi said before that I am brave... I guess so, but is it that I had been so brave that I have become somewhat... unfeeling? What kind of a person had I turned into? I do hope I could be more sensitive, but would that mean much more grief for me? I seriously do not wish that upon myself...

Another thing I saw today has shown me what kind of person I had become... I walked into CSC clubroom... yah just dis once in such a long time... I have not been there as often as I had, like, 2 years ago... And somehow it felt different already... But the thing I noticed is that life still goes on in there and it still looks like how it did years ago... So if CSC didn't change, did I??? Well maybe I did, to which some people say "matured"...

Yea... matured is the word... I dun seem to know as much as last time how to have fun... But I have grown more appreciative of things around me... In so many decisions I make, I have to look at long-term implications, or rather, how long I can see... And now it kinda became a habit for me...

Guess I have to take myself less seriously already... I thought I always had taken things easy, but guess I hadn't really been tested by a serious event... at least not till 3 weeks back... Maybe one does not really understand something till it is lost and gone forever, ya?

Dennis ~ 5:13 pm