el_M: In the moonlight...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Disclaimer: el_M is in a really bad state of mind at de time he wrote dis, so if u find dis entry excessively sad, dun cry, dun worry for el_M... somehow or other he may have felt better... or maybe worse... just pray for better...

i just cant describe de feeling im having now... some sense of longing... being left behind... im lagging in everything!!! cant imagine so many of my classmates pushing ahead of me, talking in "language" tt i have to take EONS understand n hopefully use... im so blardy screwed in moi studies! dis just keeps depressing me further n further... am i able to make de cut one day? get de end result tt i truly wan? judging from de look of things, i seriously doubt so...

being chided of not putting enuff effort... well i noe naught to say to tt... many a time ppl dun care a damn of how much effort u put into something u do, but whether u have achieved de end result tt they expect frm u... to de ppl whu have put so much of ur hopes on me... im sorry!!! ive let u all down!!! think im not as "zai" as u all thot i was... nid a break, but for all ur sakes... mebe i will try to hold on... but dun ever ask me to relax again... cos all i nid is to relax for just a short moment to make myself feel much worse n guilty...

i have seriously let my frens down for not being there for them... dun think i deserve to have any true frens or relationships, looking at de effort (or simply de lack of effort) tt i put in... im an intovert - tt dun like to open up...mebe for fun's sake sometimes i do make myself time to have fun wif ppl... but as long as i have remembered, all de frens i noe come n gone, having lotsa fun at first but stopped toking aft some months... i witnessed myself being part of some group of pals many times, just to see them forming a click, without me, whu just kept straying away... is it just me? or wad? do i have to really reaccess myself on this? how shd i do to make myself qualify for a more long-term kind of friendship? HELP ME!!!

im really sick of all these now... everything just wanting a piece of me n stuff... not being to manage my life well...

so well, so much for giving happiness to others... seriously dennis, how de hell wuld u wanna give other ppl happiness if u arent happy in de first place???

Dennis ~ 12:47 am